Officially a Mom

The wait has finally come to an end. Alhamdullilah, I have safely delivered a healthy baby girl on the 10^th of October at 5.30pm.

Im now on my day 26th of pantang (pantang ke? Hahaha)… took me a while to write this as it took me some time to recover from the delivery.. and having a baby really changes everything.. no time is a free time (nanges sekuat hati)… even as im typing this, my baby is fast asleep swaddled next to me.. my one hand has to get ready to tepuk2 her back to sleep every time she’s about to wake up.

i cud not express in exact words how it feels like to finally hold her.. its really like what others use to say, ‘indescribable feeling’.. happy/joyful/excited seem too small of a word to describe.. it’s just, amazingly beautiful.. albeit the agony of childbirth J

I bet every women has different encounter and different stories to tell on their childbirth experience.. here’s mine to share J :

Before the big day:

A week before my EDD, I already have irregular contractions or what I’d prefer to call ‘false labor’.. mati2 ingat dh nak bersalin, but before anything it just sort of hilang tiba2.. so I went for check up with Dr.Tan (my ob/gyn) and he said my cervix hasn’t dilated yet and gave me a week to wait before I can opt to induce labor.. at that point, waiting for 1 week feels sooooooo long. I cant sleep as it gets difficult, I pee every minute and my back was killing me.  Tungguuu punya tungguuuu.. so 1 week has passed, and on the 9^th of October, I went to see Dr.Tan again and this time, my cervix has dilated to 2cm. At that time, I was already 1 day overdue… sehari je pun but I decided to induce jugak.. because Edros will be leaving to Johor end of that week and I don’t want to risk giving birth when he’s not around.. so induce it is.. and it’s scheduled for the next day.  Terus call asmaa’ suruh balik and she took the first flight back to penang.. baik kan adik saye? 

On the evening, I had dinner with Edros, Asmaa’ and Jumie at Seoul Garden.. dah lamaaaaaa teringin nak makan situ but edros taknak.. alasan dia ‘bayar mahal2 pastu kena masak sendiri.. buang duit je’… hahaha.. finally a day before labor baru la dpt merasa.. tapi takdak la buang duit pun, jumi and asmaa’ yang sibuk duk grill2 semua.. yang lain sua pinggan dan makan sajaaa.. yeeeeehaaa~~!!

Malam tu dh sampai rumah, I started packing.. solat hajat, baca doa.. cant remember what time I slept.. dh baring atas katil pun I couldn’t sleep a wink.. the whole time I was anxious and I kept telling myself that tomorrow, I’ll meet my little kickboxer for the first time.. and with that thought in mind, I drifted away.

The big day:

Woke up at 5.30am. mandi, pack2 lagi, pusing2 kelam kabut and straight to pantai hospital. I have to be at the labor room by 6.45am. Awaiiii gila. Hari sukan sekolah pun tak payah awai2 mcmni.. masuk2 labor room terus kena salin baju hospital yg ikat2 tu.. nurse bagi enema pastu ada la ulang alik pegi toilet 2-3 kali.. once dah pasang drip nanti, I’ll no longer be allowed to go to the toilet. About 7.30 ke 8 am macamtu, baru pasang drip.. I was given pitocin to induce the labor. It wasn’t painful in the beginning though I can feel the contraction slowly becoming more and more intense and closer from one to another.

At 9am, Dr Tan came. He broke my water using a long rod with a small hook at the end.. an amnihook it was called (obviously I googled it). It wasn’t painful at all when the water broke.. only I felt like a fountain down there.. I don’t know how many liters of water was there but the water kept on flowing with every contraction, up till my final push. Rasa mcm satu kolah of water.. asmaa’ and edros took turns accompanying me in the labor room.. and I had to ask for tissue papers from them non stop as it gets very uncomfortably wet.

After the waters broke, the pain became stronger.. by 10am I was 4cm dilated and the contractions was 7 minutes apart.. By the time I was 5cm dilated, the pain had become very very very strong.. and what made it worse, from 1cm to another cm, it took me hours.

The nurses kept increasing the dose of the iv drip, I guess my progress was a bit too slow.. by 6cm, I decided to take the painkiller shot.. I have no idea why it’s called a painkiller when it doesn’t ‘kill’ the pain.. instead it only took off the edge of the contractions.. but it made me very sleepy.. by noon i was on and off between sleep.. waking up to excruciating contractions.. I couldn’t talk to asmaa’ and edros anymore..i couldn’t check twitter or facebook, I cant even look at the tv screen. All I did was pray.. I recited over and over, ‘hasbunallahu wa ni’mal wakil’ (Allah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of affairs (for us).) That’s what my dad told me to read from surah al-imran. It didn’t take the pain off me, but at least it felt justified. I told myself, there’s more pain in this world to compare with this pain of labor.. besides, it’s not considered syaheed for nothing.

By 4pm, asmaa’ wasn’t allowed in the labor room anymore.. thanks to this one very garang head nurse.. but I was glad edros was there.. because I was lying on my side, he was the one who spoon fed me water, rub my back (for hours!) and he was very encouraging.. I thought he’d chickened out to watch the baby emerging, but it didn’t seem to bother him at all with all the blood and everything. he didn’t peep or anything, he just stood by me and from time to time he goes to my front and checked out the progress. He even came up to me, made a ‘0’ shape with his fingers and explained that I just need to hold on a bit cause it wasn’t time to push.. dah mcm dr la pulak..

by 9cm I felt the urge to push so baddddd.. I can feel the baby’s head and it felt as if someone was drilling my back.. but I was told not to push yet.. afraid that I might injure the baby’s head.. Dr.Tan came and told me that he’ll be back in half an hour’s time. I don’t know what got into me, I grab hold of his hand and said out loud “no way half an hour, I can only hold 15 minutes!!!”.  Hahaha.

Actually, even 1 minute felt like beyond what I could hold.. I wanted to push so bad.. everything was very fast after that, I remember the dr bringing in the vacuum.. and when everything was set up, my legs all up, I was given the cue to push whenever I feel the contraction coming.. i pushed to the point that my head feels like exploding.. eyes closed, chin touching chest, lips sealed, breathing held and I pushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheddddddddddd!!!!!! Everyone was like ‘lagiiii, lagiiii, sikit lagiii’.. edros gave me the most encouragement, he was like ‘sayang, I can see the head. Sikit lagiii!! U can do it!! Come onn!!”

There was a stinging sensation down there, but it wasn’t any where as painful as the contractions before.. by the third push, my longest and strongest push, I heard the doctor screamed ‘stop pushing! Stop pushing!”… and within a few seconds I heard a loud cry.. I turned to look at edros, he was holding my hands.. I didn’t know exactly what was happening, caught in exhaustion and confusion.. but he kissed my forehead and said ‘u did great sayang’… I felt like I’ve fought a battle victoriously.

I was really tired by then, it was just a relief that the worst of the pain was gone.. pushing wasn’t painful.. in fact pushing felt like a huge huge huge relief.. my baby was then handed to me and for the first time, i met my little girl who for 9 long months I have longed to see.. all of a sudden, I didn’t remember the pain, I cant recall what difficult pregnancy I went thru, all I had in mind at that time was ‘for this little girl, I’d do it all over again’..

So long 9 months of pregnancy, i use to whine so much about it.. now there’s only one way to describe the journey, it’s beautiful J

fresh

My little Imaan 

the love of my life

Imaan's akikah, 28.10.2012

this is taken after delivery. 27 years ago we shared the same womb, even the same placenta.  and she's the best thing my mom left me. i could never thank her enough. thank u for always being there for me. this is asmaa', my twin. but in reality, she's everything i could ever ask for.

 and to my big sis, khairiyyah, thank you for sacrificing so much for me and asmaa'. we might have lost our mom, but your presence has always made us feel like we still have a mom to turn to.