I should be writing about my birth experience.. sebab semua
org duk tanya.. but I’m still in confinement and the creeping baby blues makes
me want to talk about birth less. There’s more in my system that needs to be vent
out, than the birth story.. maybe that can wait.. nanti2 la, pantang ada 20
hari lagi.. ohhh demshittttt~
Postpartum Days
A few days after I birth, I slipped into postpartum
depression. I feel like a complete piece of shit. Ok that sound bitter, but
really, I was that bitter. I just wanted to do nothing but cry.
I was feeling defeated, like a sore loser and I don’t even
feel like there’s any reason to be happy about. My pregnancy was difficult to
the point it made me a completely useless employee, and I screwed up every
bloody project I had in hands. Sudah lah muntah hari2, tak cukup dengan mengadap
jamban ditambah lagi kritikan yang lebih
menjambankan. I don’t know who started the saying that morning sickness lasts
only in the early months, tapi sumpah aku berharap orang tu masuk neraka sebab
menipu sampai semua orang percaya ayat tu sampai menggabaikan perikemanusiaan.
I had morning sickness – or more like all the time sickness
for bloody 10 months. Ye 10 months, bunting gajah namenye. I have never been
pregnant less than 10 months. My womb is too cosy. Okbai.
I gained 30 kgs. That’s like 2/3 of my original weight. Berat
bagaikan peluk Asmak sambil berdiri atas weighing scale. Berbadan dua
literally. I don’t know where the weight came from, makan muntah tak ingat2
tapi gemok pedepommmm mcmtu jugak. The.world.is.mean.
Birth was fine. Birthing at home was beautiful. Perhaps the
only thing I truly cherished about this whole pregnancy thing.
But I was left not only with sores and scars; i was left in
the form I never imagined I could be in. I started hating the mirror, and
cursing everything I had in the wardrobe. Yang muat pakai tinggal baju sukan
sekolah, tshirt2 free (contoh: visit Malaysia
2010, multiria senjojes ßhari
kentin sekolah, family day TM dan sebagainya). Seluar plak tinggal seluar thai
fair yg cerut getah bercorak gajah monogram, corak yang sungguh simbolik skali.
Nothing that looks nice fits. Fit sawan ada la.
The pigmentation on my skin from the hormones is like
patches all over me. It makes me feel super dirty. Mcm daki yang degil. I had really deep dark eyebags, my face was
so dry and kelabu asap. The cellulites are like jiggling all over me. I was
ugly. Super ugly. All my years of
smoking and very unhealthy lifestyle yearssss ago still managed to get me
looking presentable. What makes me ugly? Motherhood. The pregnancy, the hormones, the age and the
fact that I’m a mother of two makes me ugly. It was so hard to swallow. Years of
work outs, calorie control shit and fitness blablabla is gone, like totally
wasted.
I gained only 16 kg when I gave birth to Imaan. Lepas bersalin turun
7kg. the balance 9kg took me a year to lose and hours in the gym and air mata
darah tgk orang lain makan sedap2. This time,
lepas bersalin from 71kg I became 66kg, that is almost double my pre pregnancy
weight. That should take me about 25
years to lose because I am older now and i dont have a calculator.
So I started off my postpartum days feeling awful because I am
an ugly bic. I was angry at everyone. And one time I was especially angry, I almost
lost my mind. That’s the time when I first had a bowel motion after birth and
PBA decides to do surprise pipe maintenance in my area. TAKDE AIR. My piles
knows no mercy, I screamed my hearts out that day.
Then I refused to eat. Because eating makes me feel guilty. How
to shed weight if I keep eating? Tak tau la saka mana yang bisik cakap macamtu.
I starved myself just because I wanted to fit in my old jeans and look like 25
again. Or because I browsed instagram and found I have no place among the
pretty faces and skinny legs with millions of likes. My confinement lady, Kak Is had this disbelief
look on her face when I showed her my pre pregnancy pictures, ‘Ni ko ke
dik?????!!!’. Ye kak, takkan zaiton sameon kot.
I wept. Daily. Because I think my husband hates me. I was no
longer the woman he fell in love with. I don’t fit in his arms the same way I do
before. and my husband is the kind who
loves fashion, forever telling me to wear this and ditch that. I now cannot fit
everything that he likes me to wear, and can only fit everything I was supposed
to ditch.
Ok apa lagi nak komplen. Career menjunam ke longkang dah
cite. Berat naik, muka buruk pun dah. Ok what else.
I forgot to spill about my newborn.
She wakes up more often than imaan, feeds hungrily and she
throws up on me when I just had a change of clothes. And she’s my new found
love.
I carried her for 10 long months and I couldn’t believe how my
body was able to grow something so so so precious. Had I known this feeling, I wouldn’t
mind going on 11 months of pregnancy. No matter how bad. You crazy? No. I would
even trade my life for this one tiny person.
Actually, I’d trade my life for both my babies.
I forgot the real reason I was brought to live, I forgot the
real beauties in life. I used to believe beauty is in the form of perfect
glowing faces with bouncy hair and skinny jeans. But as I cradle my little one
in my arms, nursing her and watching her sleep, I feel so blessed. She’s so
small and fragile and I’m her guardian. Guardian. That word alone sounds like a
huge responsibility. So macho like that. It feels good to hold my tiny newborn and her
also tiny big sister, because they reminded me of what I really am. I am a
mother.
A mother is beautiful in their own true form. It doesn’t have
to be big or small or skinny or with rambut kepok2. A mother is great
regardless of what job she holds, housewife or accountant or doctor or
majistret or lawyer or ahli muzik. You see, you can call me anything. But what
got me feeling all fuzzy and gedik2 inside is when someone acknowledges me as a
Mother.
A Mother has healing touches. That’s why you hear screams of
‘MOMMYYYY!!!’ ever so often in all sorts of languages. A mother is usually
needed at the most crucial times. At some other times u need someone else’s
mother – ‘OH MAK KAU!’
My babies are gems. Despite their demands and tantrums, I feel
like a whole person with them. They might be small but they are the ones who
gave me all the strength to do everything I thought I couldn’t do. They are the
ones that remind me that the world has so much love to offer. With a newborn
who literally clings on me, and a toddler who constant tell me ‘ I love you
Mama’, what is there that I hate so much about myself?
I felt stupid and shallow to want to look good and running up the career
ladder (can u even run up a ladder?). of course looking good is nice and a
thriving career is a bonus. but that’s not the only thing in this world to make
me feel awesome. Having kids makes me feel awesome. Having a dad who loves me
more than the world is awesome (please tag my siblings here). Having a husband
who tells me i’m beautiful despite my jingling belly and cellulite is uber
awesome. Having crazy friends who constantly intoxicate my whatsapp with gossips and recipes is awesome. Having to breathe and live itself is the utmost awesomeness (Al fatihah
to my dearest Mom who left us way too soon).
I don’t hate the mirror anymore. That is who I am. That belly
carried two angels and that hips don’t lie. Those eye bags are there because my
babies are fed (at night. Many many times). I don’t have to depend on how I look
like to feel good. Feeling good is subjective. It’s how you view things and it’s
how you accept things.
I view myself as a woman who has aged well, enjoyed all that
life has got to offer and I accept what I really am, I am woman.
All women are special.
